Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Winning "Star Search"

from Late Night with David Letterman

10. You call yourself "the new Don Knotts"

9. You're getting huge laughs -- but you're a model

8. That mean "American Idol" judge stops by just to tell you how much you suck

7. Your talent: paralyzing stage fright

6. Instead of "Hit me with the digits," Arsenio shouts, "Hit him with a bottle"

5. No one laughs at your spot-on impression of former Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger

4. Unlike other magicians, you invoke the dark lord Satan's help in accomplishing your tricks

3. Your own family heckles you

2. You're the only "Star Search" contestant ever to have been gonged

1. A sobbing Ed McMahon screams, "You've ruined my show"