House Plant Stolen -- Frog Wishes Cancer On Thief

I came home yesterday to find that my herb plants -- one mint plant and one parsley plant -- was stolen off my front porch. By that, I mean that some piece of sh*t thief came into my yard, walked on my lawn and took two measly plants. I just trimmed back the parslet plant so it was really puny looking. Just what the HELL are they going to do with a mint plant?! Do crackheads like to drink tea? Do they eat mustard sandwiches with a parsley garnish? Did some junkie walk by, look at my mint plant and think "Hey! That would go great with some sorbet!" Anyway, my girlfriend called me at work to tell me that the mint plant was missing and I then went through a long tirade about how I wished that the stupid thief would get hit by a car when leaving my property. As he fell, the plant would fly in the air and land on his face and he died of suffocation. GRRRR!!!