Coach Goofus vs Coach Gallant -- Florida Gators Edition

Remember these guys? You probably read "Highlights" magazine while waiting at your pediatrician's office...

This Highlights Magazine-inspired editorial was written by my friend Greg, the guy in charge of "GregNews.com". It is both sarcastic and accurate.

Here's a little piece I wrote for Ron Zook called "Coach Goofus Goes to the Orange Bowl." If you don't remember the Goofus and Gallant series you can get a refresher here: http://www.highlightskids.com/guestarea/h3gStorySoup/GoofusandGallant/h1intro.asp

-Coach Gallant has well-coached special teams. Even though he coached special teams in the NFL a Coach Goofus kickoff team couldn't stop a turtle from streaking down the field for a score.

-When passing, Coach Gallant's team likes to throw vertically for big chunks of yardage. When passing, Coach Goofus' team throws sideline to sideline, because that's what offensive coordinators who come from 1-AA schools do.

-Coach Gallant prepares his quarterback in advance to throw a quick short strike when facing a blitz . In the same situation Coach Goofus has his quarterback take a seven-step drop back, predictably resulting in an incomplete hurry or sack.

-Like other college or NFL head coaches, Coach Gallant has a special chart that he uses to determine when or when not to go for a 2-point conversion. Coach Goofus has no such chart, and has never even heard of this chart. He carelessly wields the 2-point conversion like a 5-year-old who has found daddy's shotgun.

-On a third-and-short situation, especially during a close game, Coach Gallant likes to call a high percentage play such as run off tackle; if he does pass Coach Gallant is sure that the pass be aimed to a receiver beyond the first-down marker. Coach Goofus likes to call a screen play well behind the line of scrimmage, usually to a true freshman, resulting in a fourth-and-long situation.

-Coach Gallant sticks with a hot player. Coach Goofus brings a great but very inexperienced second quarterback into the game right after his more experienced starting quarterback throws a 50-yard touchdown pass. And then when up only by a point Coach Goofus inserts a third-string option quarterback even though his first two quarterbacks were doing just fine.

-Coach Gallant understands momentum and how it applies to strategy; he knows when to run and when to pass. Coach Goofus passes when he should run, and runs when he should pass.

-Coach Gallant doesn't try to use a bunch of clock if his offense is suddenly stagnant and the other team has momentum; he may need the time later. Coach Goofus' attempts to run out the clock with 10 minutes left in the game, even though it's not working and even though the other team has all the momentum.

-Coach Gallant knows that in college football anything can happen; a team must remain as aggressive in the last two quarters as in the first two, even if up by a bunch of points. Coach Goofus likes to coast with a prevent D in the fourth quarter, and then after losing he says stupid things like, "We learned a lot more from this than if we would have won it." That's just grand, Coach Goofus.

-Fans of Coach Gallant's team believe their 28-point comeback is unprecedented. Fans of Coach Goofus' team recall a similar fiasco at the Choke at Doak in 1994, when Coach Goofus was the team's defensive coordinator. My, how some things never change.

-Fans of Coach Gallant's team are fair-weather, insist their band play nothing but 2-Live-Crew, never sell out their stadium, and most didn't even go to school there. Fans of Coach Goofus' team are loyal but extremely bitter today.

Next week: Athletic directors. Preview: Athletic director Doofus didn't take his time to properly interview a slew of great candidates to replace a national-champion coach who departed for the NFL. Instead athletic director Doofus panics after his first two choices decline, and chooses someone who's never before been a head coach at any level. Athletic director Doofus had no comment when immediately following the Coach Goofus hire a recently released head coach of the Oakland Raiders, John Gruden, is quoted in the area paper saying he wished Florida had contacted him about the job. So do we, John. So do we.