People I'd Like To Thank

Sometimes we take it for granted that people have devoted large portions of their lives to provide goods and services for us. I'd like to thank them here. This list will be repeated during my Oscar acceptance speech.

• I'd like to thank the people that work hard at the Jell-O factory to make the delicious smoothie cup. I've really enjoyed the "banana and strawberry" ones. Eating something healthy and sweet staves off my urge to raid my co-worker's copious candy bowl. Which leads me to say that...
• I want to thank the makers of Twix. Thank you. The mini Twix bars are just big enough to quell my need for chocolate without making me feel too guilty. Although I know you been dispensing "Twix Grande" bars in the machines on campus (which come with their own forklift), I'll do my best to pretend they don't exist.
• Thank you to all those bookstores out there. I love them. The problem is that I just don't spend enough time reading. I like the idea of books and reading and I also like to imagine that in one of those massive, Books-A-Gazillion-type stores, there is one book that within holds the answers to all of life's questions. I'll keep looking... and I hope it's in the "computer" or "personal finance" section.
• Big shout out to Howard Stern. If you see me walking down around on campus with my headphones on and I'm laughing like a hyena on nitrous, it's because I'm listening to Stern. There are very few things more important than a good laugh, and if you haven't listened to him before, check 'em out.
• Mad props to the chemist who created "eye allergy relief" eye drops. Seriously... thank you. And if you're the same person that invented ibuprofen, I want to make out with you and then grab your buttocks in a playful manner.